I’m on the verge of feeling like myself again. There’s still some distance to travel before I actually get there but I can sense it. Even if it’s still some ways off in the future.

So for now, I’m in an in-between place. One that I didn’t choose to be in.

Breakups tend to force you into spaces you didn’t choose. To put you on a cusp. In a cusp? Either way, it’s a major turning point in your life. You go from being one version of yourself to suddenly being forced into a different you. Reality becomes something you’re not prepared for. The good thing about a breakup though (and usually there are many), is that it has very clearly defined stages and everyone knows them. The beginning is the worst - the pain, the loss, not knowing what to do with a life without your person. Once these feelings start to lift a bit you can see that slowly, little by little, you’ll be ok. At the very least, it’s a win if you stop crying on a daily basis.

Being in this “in-between” made me reflect on the other in-betweens I’ve lived through. When one sense of normal gets swapped for another. Living through a cusp. Planned or not - you don’t always know when you’re in one. And unlike a breakup, some cusps don’t have a clear path forward to the new normal.

A co-worker, much younger than me, reminded me of how different the world used to be when he said that if he could live through any time period again it would be when cassette tapes were around. I was like, what?? And I thought this was one of the first major cusps I was lucky enough to be a part of.

I was born before the internet and smartphones had the chance to take hold of my life. Most importantly, I lived my entire youth without a phone in my pocket. I experienced a time before the hyper-connected-instantaneous-everything-life we now live. No one had a phone in high school. Usually, there was only one computer at home and you still had to buy magazines for updates on your favorite celebrity crushes.

It’s only when I look back, that I realize that was a better normal. At least for mental health and cultural values. Life was slower. Which is the reason my co-worker wanted to experience cassette tapes. He wanted to make a mix tape for someone. It took a lot of time to make one. You had to wait for a song to play on the radio and hope you would be close enough to your boom box to hit record. He’d never experienced that. He felt like it meant something. And probably, it did. Is it as special if someone sends you a Spotify playlist? I dunno - I use YouTube music :/

Another experience has also brought cusps to my awareness. The smog that descended on Toronto these last few weeks. It’s one of the first impacts of climate change that I am witness to. It scares and thrills me.

When I was 19 and I got my first cell phone I didn’t know what lay ahead. It wasn’t a smartphone. Just a simple tiny Nokia. Even when I did, 5 years later, get an iPhone with FaceTime - I couldn’t have predicted how intensely my world would revolve around that device just 10 years later.

With a breakup, you know what’s coming more or less. You know that each day ahead is generally going to be easier, less painful, slightly more ok than the last. It’s not a straight line by any means. But at my age, you know love will likely, hopefully, come again. Even if you never want to let go in your heart. Maybe one day you might. There is a way back to the old normal after a breakup.

But we can’t go back to that slow, deliberate time before smartphones. We can’t undo the social values that have become ingrained in a generation raised on Facebook and Instagram and TikTok.

And we can’t go back to a time before climate change. In the same way that we didn’t know what lay ahead when everyone started buying smartphones, we don’t know what’s coming in the months and years to come when trying to imagine the next impacts of climate change we will experience. I’m again on the cusp of times. When it was possible to have done something about ecosystem collapse to now, watching helplessly as they slowly die around me.

I shared with my co-worker a secret that I think fascinated him. I asked him if he knew how to make sure no one could record over your cassette tape. Of course, he had no idea. The little tabs on the bottom could be taken out and unless you put tape over it, it was one way to stop someone from recording over your new mix tape. This is something remembered from a time that can’t be gone back to and I wonder what things will be a distant memory to people born today as climate change rages unstoppably on.

Water shortages usually come to mind first. Perhaps one day in my old age I’ll tell someone much younger about the endless supply of water I grew up with. I could shower for hours and hours if I wanted. We had energy on demand. Food; everything you wanted was instantaneously available. We had a small taste of some food shortages during the pandemic but I know there are more coming each year as new weather patterns change the landscape of the earth.

I miss going to Blockbuster on Friday night to rent a movie. I miss the silence and slowness of those days. When you couldn’t just have anything you wanted with a click of a button.

I miss my boyfriend. I want to go for a long drive with him. Sit near him and feel my heart slow down because it feels safe.

I had headaches and a raspy voice for days after the smog. I wonder what I will miss with each passing year. What household item will become a luxury in time?

We didn’t know what smartphones would do to our lives. We just live in this new normal. And we don’t know what is around the corner for each season. We just know each one will be slightly more extreme in one way or another.

We don’t know yet what the new normal will be.

I guess that’s the good thing about my breakup-cusp. At the very least I know what to expect. There is some kind of end. Even if the road is still rocky. A better “new” normal is somewhere down the line. I think. I hope.